jokes

[natedog]

I hear Vicky Pryce has joined the prison football team... They needed a good penalty taker!

[edgasket1967]

Two dyslexics are walking down the street..... one says "Can you smell gas?"... The other says "Smell gas? I can't even smell my own name."

[Deleted]

Mar 13, 2013 13:47:54 GMT 1 edgasket1967 said:

Two dyslexics are walking down the street..... one says "Can you smell gas?"... The other says "Smell gas? I can't even smell my own name."

;D ;D ;D

[Monkey]

Phone rings, woman answers.

Pervert with heavy breathing says, 'i bet you got a tight ar*e, with no hair'

Woman replies, 'yes hes on the sofa watching the football. Who shall i say is calling!?'

[french crap fanatic]

Mar 14, 2013 20:56:30 GMT 1 Monkey said:

Phone rings, woman answers.

Pervert with heavy breathing says, 'i bet you got a tight ar*e, with no hair'

Woman replies, 'yes hes on the sofa watching the football. Who shall i say is calling!?'

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Deleted]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August." ;D ;D

[vimdenzil]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.

[Deleted]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask something.
The cab driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

The cab driver said: “Don’t ever do that again, you scared me”

Passenger apologised and said: “I didn’t realise a litle touch would scare you so much”

Cab driver replied:
“Sorry, it’s not your fault it's my 1st day as a Cab driver, I’ve been driving for a funeral director for last 25 years!

[spannermonkey]

Jun 10, 2013 20:05:13 GMT 1 @oldcodger said:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask something.
The cab driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

The cab driver said: “Don’t ever do that again, you scared me”

Passenger apologised and said: “I didn’t realise a litle touch would scare you so much”

Cab driver replied:
“Sorry, it’s not your fault it's my 1st day as a Cab driver, I’ve been driving for a funeral director for last 25 years!

lol

[Autoclean]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'