jokes

[motorwise]

is it too early to say jack duckworth fingered me or shall i wait?

[Rhubarb]

ffs you get worse

[Deleted]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new
Apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
Ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

[Deleted]

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.
"Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."
She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.
"Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there."
I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen.
"She said, "I'm a nun, you c@nt."

[Welshy]

Dec 14, 2012 13:38:53 GMT 1 @oldcodger said:

The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier.
"Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you."
She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me.
"Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there."
I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen.
"She said, "I'm a nun, you c@nt."

;D ;D ;D

[Deleted]

You lady buys a pair of very fetching undies from Marks and Sparks.

Sadly on the first day of wearing said pair, the elastic waist breaks.

So, with the threat of having to go commando looming, off she pops to the local M&S to see what can be done.

After embarrassedly explaining the situation to the young male shop assistant on the Returns desk, he proudly states that M&S policy is to replace any faulty goods without question and that by all means she can have a replacement pair, providing she returns the faulty goods.

"But you don't understand" whispers the young girl. "I've come in them"

"Madam", says he, "It doesn't matter if you've crapped in them, if they're faulty, we'll replace them!"

[Rhubarb]

Dec 17, 2012 11:46:16 GMT 1 @oldcodger said:

You lady buys a pair of very fetching undies from Marks and Sparks.

Sadly on the first day of wearing said pair, the elastic waist breaks.

So, with the threat of having to go commando looming, off she pops to the local M&S to see what can be done.

After embarrassedly explaining the situation to the young male shop assistant on the Returns desk, he proudly states that M&S policy is to replace any faulty goods without question and that by all means she can have a replacement pair, providing she returns the faulty goods.

"But you don't understand" whispers the young girl. "I've come in them"

"Madam", says he, "It doesn't matter if you've crapped in them, if they're faulty, we'll replace them!"

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Noberator]

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Autoclean]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark
in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

[Rhubarb]

My car broke down yesterday, the internet told me to hit the starter motor with a hammer. The internet didn't tell me what a starter motor looked like so I hit everything. I now have several pieces of plastic BMW parts available to buy. Contact me for more info.

[natedog]

I had a joke in the post today. Although I think the correct term for it is wage sheet.

sent from my HTC using proboards android app

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2012 22:07:38 GMT 1 Autoclean said:

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark
in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Welshy]

Dec 17, 2012 11:46:16 GMT 1 @oldcodger said:

You lady buys a pair of very fetching undies from Marks and Sparks.

Sadly on the first day of wearing said pair, the elastic waist breaks.

So, with the threat of having to go commando looming, off she pops to the local M&S to see what can be done.

After embarrassedly explaining the situation to the young male shop assistant on the Returns desk, he proudly states that M&S policy is to replace any faulty goods without question and that by all means she can have a replacement pair, providing she returns the faulty goods.

"But you don't understand" whispers the young girl. "I've come in them"

"Madam", says he, "It doesn't matter if you've crapped in them, if they're faulty, we'll replace them!"

;D ;D ;D ;D

[Deleted]

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf.

Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side.

Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.

As the wife had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of her husband, she asked in a gentle loving voice, “Oh sweetheart that felt so good, why did you stop?”

He replied, “I found the remote.”

[Welshy]

Dec 27, 2012 12:57:10 GMT 1 @oldcodger said:

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf.

Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side.

Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.

As the wife had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of her husband, she asked in a gentle loving voice, “Oh sweetheart that felt so good, why did you stop?”

He replied, “I found the remote.”

;D ;D ;D